This week someone came to me and expressed their desire to some day have the love that Robyn and I have in our marriage. I guess I could react with pride & writing it about this here would seem, I'm sure, a way for me to blow my own horn. But I honestly don't feel that way. I was shocked frankly. My readers may or may not know of my struggle with addiction and how close Robyn and I came to divorce just a few years ago.
As this person approached me and expressed their admiration of our relationship, I was quickly reminded how much God has worked in my life, tearing out a worn out heart, a tired mind, and a prideful ingrained mindset. That someone would want my marriage is simply amazing to me and draws me to be simply grateful to a God who refused to abandon me in my sin.
Our daughter Arielle told me about a year ago and she doesn't want to have to go through what her parents did (the fighting, the yelling, the pain, the tears, the disappointments) but she looked at me and said, "But at least you and Mom love each other". That warmed my heart.
I feel like someone who is given a brand new sports car and then everyone who sees me in the car gets the impression that I am successful and smart. I've been given a gift of a healthy marriage. To be sure Robyn & I worked very hard to listen to our counselor and tried to be yielded & honest. But I didn't force Robyn to work on our marriage she did that on her own. All I knew to do was to try and stay in a place of humility, admit my faults whenever I saw them and stay in that place of humility no matter how painful it could be.
So if you see me in my new "sports car" smile with me and wave for I'm a man who was simply given a gift.
About Me
- kjhrrh
- Hi, thanks for coming to my blog. I'm fairly new to this so here goes. I'm 46 years old, married, two kids, former pastor, recovering addict and trying to find my way with the Lord. I've learned that to stay sober I must embrace a vigorous lifestyle of honesty and it's hard to know how to balance that with being too open. I resigned from ministry 9 years ago and God has worked a huge miracle in my life called "sobriety" for which I'm very grateful. But coming through the war called "recovery" I have lost the simple answers and have a lot of questions especially of the Lord. I have discovered some pretty profound doubts and things are not as black and white as I thought. I hope that makes me a much more compassionate person and less prideful.
4 comments:
I find it interesting that what is seen in our lives from others often surprises us. I wonder if others see us as the broken, wounded people we see ourselves, or do they see us as Jesus sees us?
I seriously doubt that people see us as God see us. I would think that would take spiritual awareness that I've rarely seen even in deeply devote people. I think people see the masks we wear and the projections of insecurity & pride.
In a person who has not yet found the courage to repent of hidden sin I would agree. Hoever once the sin has been exposed and a true desire to seek forgiveness and truly change, I wonder if this would not be like Jesus to encourage us in our walk out of shame and guilt and into the new life He has gifted us with? I wonder if sometimes we don't fool ourself into believing we are hiding more than we really are about our secret life. Just some thoughts from someone trying to live out their faith.
I have found that my journey from shame & guilt is marked with simple honesty & confession. No one can hold me hostage to my sin because I've fully embraced that reality. I care what people say & think about me...it would be a lie to say otherwise, but in my confession & in my admission of shame & guilt I have found release & joy to not only accept & forgive myself but it's made it easier to accept & forgive others. What a paradox...to remove the sense of failure is to simply embrace that reality and shug my shoulders and mutter "if God still likes me who am I to argue with that?"
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