Something happens to men. We may start early or we may stagger through life until we realize that time is slipping away. We start to look around to see if what we trade time for is or was worth it. If we look at our job often times if not always it comes up short. I think I became a pastor because I thought when I had these thoughts I could point to my role as a minister and I would be satisfied that I "counted" and I was significant. What a sick reason for wanting to be a leader.
But tonight while watching a movie with my 14 year old son I had those thoughts again. My daughter is nearly 18 and I will actively remind myself that she is an adult and my role with her must dramatically change. I was tempted to look to my kids as my legacy. Have I love them enough and will they remember me as a good father? But really that is just another act of self interest. I will not use my kids to ramp up a historical issue with insecurity.
What is my legacy? What am I going to leave behind? Funny thing is that I can't hold on to anything and I will leave everything behind. The only thing I can give away of value is Jesus and the love that He has shown me. What is more important? That my name is remembered fondly or if my kids follow His heart? My longing for a legacy is nothing more than the emotional response to insecurity...if my kids follow Jesus that is enough.
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I read this post a while back.
I knew my husband would understand.
I told him of it.
He did.
Pray for me. I want my husband to read your posts....Oddly, I think my husband may appreciate several of them.
If so.????
Well, I pray. I pray God will change hearts of stone to hearts of flesh? I write this, because, my husband had spoken it to me two years ago. He wanted this. So, I have been praying it. This is not a well written post. I know.
But, I am praying for God's intervention. I cannot explain it.
I believe you love the Lord. Like I belive my husband does. My husband is hurting. Hard to explain. I pray for God's intervention. OH, dear, may God bless men that seek him. We girls need you. This is why I married my husband....But, at the same time, I Know. I know this life is so dang hard. I married my husband because I knew he loved the Lord. He has struggled. I haven't been miss perfect wife.
I have been praying. I believe God visited me. Two years ago.
This year my husband is actively seeking the Lord. I have to believe God has been merciful.
Sorry if I sound pitiful. I may be. I am looking for any avenue the Lord is giving.
God bless you. Sincerely.
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