The stones have been torn down & the walls are in ruins

September 11th 2009 was just supposed to be another somber day where I remembered that horrible day, but as the memories of one bomb filtered through our collective minds another bomb blew my church apart. The living stones that make up any church shuttered against the destructive news that shook us to the core. Our pastor, a man we all trusted to various degrees finally admitted what a few of us dreaded. An affair. Worse yet an affair with a close friend's wife and a fellow laborer in the Kingdom. Such betrayal is a bomb that erupted tore through two families, ripped into a church staff, and shot debre of anger, amazement, fear and outrage throughout the rest of us. We all staggered about after the explosion, bleeding from holes in our hearts, wishing that one of those flying pieces would have hit us in the head and simply put us out of this misery. But instead we all sat around with blood oozing out of our ears unable to really hear each other but slowly comprehending what just had happened.

Did our pastor who founded our church and watched our kids grow really do this? Did she really choose that over 4 kids and a husband? Disbelief at first, astonishment came 2nd, astonishment at the stupidity and utter waste. The utter waste is what drove my astonishment. How does one leave a wife after all that time? How does one betray his calling? How does one turn his back on all those years of ministry & leadership? And because no answers came to my stunned mind the next emotion was anger...deep...profound...pure anger. Anger comes when no answer is acceptable. I was angry. "What an idiot" was just one of the more socially acceptable phrases that spat out of my mouth followed more colorful terms that I won't repeat.

As time wore on deep sadness moved into my heart and make itself comfortable. Deep, deep sadness bordoring on depression...no I'll admit it...it was depression. Dark and silent it just filled my inner life like some sort of quick acting mold. It wouldn't leave. It was lurking around my life before this lastest shock so it was like the final blow that tipped me over into that dark pool. My depression usually hits me after a lot of stress and after my financies took a 40% hit because of the economy, my step father is slowly dying, our home lost so much value we can't refinance and then my rents left me after promising to pay the back rent and a 5 foot high pile of garbage on the front lawn...so when the bomb went off I tumbled into the pool apparently lacking enough emotional strength to stay hopeful and positive.

You know what it's like to be treading water and you are slowly getting tired? The fear that you feel slowly growing inside of you because you can't feel the bottom? Thats what it feels like when you are depressed and you know it. But God is faithful. Soon hands were reaching out to me. The lady who called me to talk about how sad she was, the guy who came over to help me fix the rental, the other guy who kindly loaned me his truck, his time and his ears as I cursed my way through a kitchen remodel. My wife who listened to me and my admissions of not being the strong guy I wanted to be.

Our new pastor talked to us today about us being the stones that were scattered and how we will rebuild the walls. I looked around and saw the anger, the fear, the rage, the humilation and the deep sadness but we have each other scattered betrayed and humiliated but we are still stones cut out by our loving Father who at this very moment is looking at one blown apart stone that once was our pastor and He has chissel in hand and that work will proceed. In the mean time, the scattered stones that make up my church are slowly assembling and moving into position some of us are not in the same place as we were before but the master builder is at work and for the first time in some time...I'm not depressed.