Humility & Acceptance

I'm working from home today and taking calls from a man who is responsible for taking a huge account from me. I was anticipating that 2009 would result in less sales for me thus less income because of the business market. What I didn't anticipate is that my best account would be taken from me apparently due to politics at our office and the desire to make sure an older gentlemen has enough work for next year. I am looking at a loss of income in the neighborhood of 50%. Yikes.

I'm working through fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. How I wish I could say that I immediately surrendered the whole deal to God and am "fine"...but I'm not. I woke up a couple of times since this new "arrangement" fearful and worried. I've confronted the parties that were responsible told them how I felt (angry and betrayed) so at least I've not kept those emotions inside so they can sizzle my peace and contentment.

I was a bit irritated at God...having those questions "OK, big Guy, I thought you had my back on this one!" I went through those stages of being disrespectful towards Him (sorry if that offends) but it reflects some of the things that King David said in the Psalms. In the Psalms David often seems to be saying "where the hell are you God?" I love his honesty.

So I feel like I've been kicked back to square one at work and I'm confronted with how am I going to proceed? Am I going to be angry, bitter, unhappy and resentful for 2009? What am I going to feel when this gentlemen in our office brings in a large sale that would have been mine? Ah, isn't life fun?

Was I wronged? Yup. Am I helpless? No. I could quit. No one is forcing me to keep working there. So what to do? How do I proceed? In times like this I look back over the lessons I learned in coming out of a 30 year addiction. Those were not fun times I assure you. But the only way to freedom from such a powerful jaws of defeat was to embrace humility and acceptance.

God has allowed this circumstance to occur. He could have stopped it but He didn't. I enjoyed this account for all of 2008 and earned more money (frankly) than I ever have in my life. I was able to set aside for my daughter's college costs as well as my son's. My wife and I got to go to Hawaii, San Francisco, and Miami this past year. So I have much to be thankful for. It was fun. We probably blew a lot of money we could have saved but when the businesss sends you to these places for free it's hard to say "no". (Laughing).

So humilty & acceptance...are my keys to walking in 2009. Accepting the circumstances not as necessarily as "God's will" but simply as "allowed by God"...the allowing of God and the will of God are often very, very different things coming from a loving Creator.

I'll write more about this later but the bottom line is that I can trust Him. I will see what He wants to do in this circumstance and if I accept and stay in humilty...I will see Him turn it around for my blessing...should be an interesting year.

-Kelly

The Conviction of Krissy...

She is my niece. My sister's only remaining child. Many years ago my other niece (Krissy's sister) was tragically killed in a car accident. Krissy is my only niece. I hardly know her. I was so upset with my sister years ago for some decisions she made and I was hurt and felt rejected...so I avoided her. Krissy's mother seemed angry with me and with God so I simply took the easy way and avoided her. Funny how perceptions are so quickly made. I perceived anger so I avoided instead of being honest and open. Perceptions are rarely 100% correct in my life. God is constantly having to remind me to be honest. Apparently there was no anger but I hid my heart anyway instead of being honest...hard lesson.

After the accident a divorce followed and we all felt that life had really slammed my only remaining niece. Soon after high school graduation Krissy moved to California and I completely lost track of her. There was a sadness in my heart when I heard that she fled to California a sadness that I had really blown an opportunity to be an Uncle....a loving Uncle.

God had other plans. God followed Krissy to California. God encountered her in a powerful way. Krissy returned to Washington for Christmas and there is a new peace in her eyes. She loves the Lord and it pains me. It pains me because I see my own deadness in my own walk with God. Sure I realize she is young both in age and in the Lord but the love for the Lord, the passion for His kingdom, her devotion, her love for Him...wow...

Krissy and I didn't talk much, we didn't exchange gifts...but she gave me something that I desperately needed...conviction...that my walk with God can change...and should change...God reached down and touched my niece...took a broken heart and gave her hope and healing...

Tonight I lift up my 46 year old heart...and I'm asking God to change it. Just like He changed Krissy. That is my prayer.

That is my hope...

The conviction of Krissy.

Living in Grace 2009

I was reading a booked called 10 truths that you won't hear in church but might change your life" and the author stated: "God didn't give the 10 Commandments so we could keep them, He gave the 10 Commandments because we thought we could keep them". In other words, the commands of God were there to show us that we can't live up to them and are in desperate need of a savior.

That bugs me to some degree. I spent a lot of time, energy, and sweat trying to be a good Christian. But then the reality of my addiction hit me 9 years ago...blew my cover, destroyed my masks that I hid behind and caused me to doubt my faith. How could God still love me when I lost my ministry, nearly my marriage and my reputation...worse yet "grace" was telling me that His opinion of me hadn't changed before I was busted or after. But now in my "bustedness" I finally could understand and accept "grace". It doesn't seem fair. It seems I've gotten off easy and all my effort was not appreciated (laughing).

Grace isn't fair...Jesus' price on the cross was cruel and unfair on him. I got all the benefit and he paid all the cost. It wasn't fair...I got off easy...I could lose everything and I still would have gotten off easy. It wasn't fair

Thank God for that.

-Kelly

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2008 has come and has gone. It was an odd Christmas for me. Although financially 2008 has been very good we have retired all of our debts and are saving for our kid's college so I'm not really feeling wealthy at that moment. But this meant that Christmas gifts were few and simple. I just couldn't get into the Christmas spirit until I walked down stairs Christmas morning and saw the beautiful snow falling outside and it was everything I could do from crying. I softly thanked God for sending His Son and that I could enjoy his friendship.

Family time was good. Lots of laughter and amazement. I have a relative who recently has gotten very excited about the Lord and it has been wonderful to see her zeal and hunger for God. Her presence makes me ponder my own walk with God. Is my walk fresh? Is it growing? Am I feeling close to the Lord or distant? Am I walking in love and compassion for others? I felt very drawn to her yet repulsed by my own struggle within myself. Ever felt that way? Being around her brought me to realize that there must be some changes within me this coming year. I don't want to stay the same. I want to grow and move on with life.

Christmas has always been the anchor where I am profoundly thankful for my wife, my kids and my family and friends. But Jesus is not something that I just hold in my hand and admire he always is moving forward...challenging me to change and grow. So while Christmas 2008 is over the call of God to move forward is not. I don't want to see the same person in the mirror in 2009.