I've been a believer since I was a child. Never really had issues with doubting. Never. But I had a major change in my life about nine years ago when I was diagosed with an addiction and entered into recovery. Most folks "find God" in recovery. For me, I found doubts. I was angry at God for several years, I resigned my ministry, I was confused.
My love for God wained and I just attended church for the sake of my kids. The farther I got into recovery the more honest I tried to be and eventually I began to see why I had my doubts. I had signed up some nice contracts with God that He never agreed to. Several times I said in frustration "But you signed this agreement with me" and His loving patient response was "actually, I didn't".
So my raging, angry doubts slowly went away but I must confess that my passion and my zeal for the Lord is not where I would like it. I try to do a bible study everyday especially during the week and I just finished up a study in the book of 1 Peter. In verse 14 &15 I came across this verse: "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."
It wasn't too long after that study that I was at a job site (I sell fire alarm systems for commercial buildings) and one of our best installers was there. He and I have a love/hate relationship. I'm the sales guy who doesn't know how to bid jobs properly and he is the installer who wastes time and doesn't work fast enough (laughing). We joke about our "friction" for it is an age old problem that most sales guys and installers struggle with.
Then as we sat in a pub and were talking he asked me "so you were a preacher right?" and the converstion took off. Turns out he is an atheist and feels religion is just a way to control people. I smiled and we talked for about two hours. I didn't have a good answer with gentleness & respect. I had some answers but they were not well organized & thought through.
So I'm on a journey to have those answers, a reason for the hope that is within me. I downloaded 10 hours of Lee Strobel's book "A Case for Christ" so the journey has begun.
Now I just have to mix it with gentleness & respect...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Questioning my theology
Ever been questioned that your view or thoughts somehow are not supported by scripture? Not fun. My first reaction is usually shock for my pride tells me "I'm always right" and then shock is replaced with some degree of irritation or anger. I usually think "how dare you question me or who do you think you are?"
If I talk with others it's amazing how angry they get almost right away. They don't even ask me what the issue is about they just seem to jump right to anger. They defend me aggressively and yet often they have no idea what I stated...that troubles me. It seems we live in a time where no one is support to "judge" someone else and it seems it doesn't matter what was said or even if it indeed violates scripture.
This reflects the attitude of our day. Truth doesn't matter. It's "your truth" and "my truth" after all. The big taboo is "don't judge" just accept that others are different than you and have different opinions...or different truths.
I still don't like be questioned. I don't like that someone might think that my view on an issue isn't scriptural. It bugs me. But questioning someone's beliefs isn't unscriptural. Paul commended the Bereans for doing just that. Accepting anyone's truth as "truth" is what is unbiblical.
But when you question my beliefs, do it with gentleness & respect...I'll listen more. I promise.
If I talk with others it's amazing how angry they get almost right away. They don't even ask me what the issue is about they just seem to jump right to anger. They defend me aggressively and yet often they have no idea what I stated...that troubles me. It seems we live in a time where no one is support to "judge" someone else and it seems it doesn't matter what was said or even if it indeed violates scripture.
This reflects the attitude of our day. Truth doesn't matter. It's "your truth" and "my truth" after all. The big taboo is "don't judge" just accept that others are different than you and have different opinions...or different truths.
I still don't like be questioned. I don't like that someone might think that my view on an issue isn't scriptural. It bugs me. But questioning someone's beliefs isn't unscriptural. Paul commended the Bereans for doing just that. Accepting anyone's truth as "truth" is what is unbiblical.
But when you question my beliefs, do it with gentleness & respect...I'll listen more. I promise.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sigh...the cycle of shame continues...
He is a young man, probably 22 or 23 years old. I met him about a month ago. He seemed reserved and quiet yet I could tell he had a good mind. Later he was assigned a mentor who is a friend of mine and he began the long journey of sexual addiction recovery.
My friend called me up with a question "Kelly", he began, "I have an interesting case. Our young friend has never formally cheated on his wife but he is addicted to pornography. He is also an active youth pastor. He promised his church and his wife that he would never mess up with this issue again and even signed an agreement stating that. The church leadership also agreed that if he did mess up he would have to confess to his wife, the pastor and then get up in front of the whole church and confess and then resign. The problem was that he did indeed mess up. He accessed porn and was tore up inside on what to do....what do you think" He asked me?
My advise was to confess. He made a promise as unwise as that is, he made a promise and agreed to face the consequences. So my young friend confessed. What was the response of the senior pastor? "Shame & cover-up" The senior pastor was angry and exasperated. Expressions such as "I can't believe you would do this again" or "why can't you just say no?" were bantered about. Then he told my friend to not say anything to anyone. "The church board is dealing with a building program and is stressed I don't want to burden them with this issue" he even told him to hide it from his wife at least for now.
What is the message there? The message is that the building program is more important than the spiritual health of his youth pastor. The message is that the senior pastor is probably embarassed and knows that this might reflect badly on his ability to attract and bring on "good" youth pastors. The message is not grace & forgiveness but guilt, shame and cover up.
Not surprisingly my young friend somewhat is relieved. He doesn't have to face the consequences of his sin. He can put it off for a while and enjoy the fantasy that God is ok with this arrangement and the fantasy that his wife will be ok when she ultimately finds out. What will happen when that wife hears that a senior pastor helped hide sin from her? What will happen when she figures out that the pastor cared more about a building than her family?
What I suspect is that there is coming a day when this senior pastor will quietly fire this man to avoid embarrassment and get him out of town so he can look for another youth minister. My friend will learn a hard lesson that sometimes church folk are not very wise, not very safe and not very understanding when it comes to sexual sin. My hope is that as long as he is with our ministry, he can continue to learn healing, learn honesty, and learn forgiveness something that he is not...at his local church.
So I sound angry? Perhaps. I just have little patience for what seems so obvious to me. You don't hide & cover up sin, you confess and deal with it. There is a ticking time bomb now. Can you hear it? Tick, tick, tick...some day it will explode and this senior pastor will have a bigger mess to deal with than he thought.
-Kelly
My friend called me up with a question "Kelly", he began, "I have an interesting case. Our young friend has never formally cheated on his wife but he is addicted to pornography. He is also an active youth pastor. He promised his church and his wife that he would never mess up with this issue again and even signed an agreement stating that. The church leadership also agreed that if he did mess up he would have to confess to his wife, the pastor and then get up in front of the whole church and confess and then resign. The problem was that he did indeed mess up. He accessed porn and was tore up inside on what to do....what do you think" He asked me?
My advise was to confess. He made a promise as unwise as that is, he made a promise and agreed to face the consequences. So my young friend confessed. What was the response of the senior pastor? "Shame & cover-up" The senior pastor was angry and exasperated. Expressions such as "I can't believe you would do this again" or "why can't you just say no?" were bantered about. Then he told my friend to not say anything to anyone. "The church board is dealing with a building program and is stressed I don't want to burden them with this issue" he even told him to hide it from his wife at least for now.
What is the message there? The message is that the building program is more important than the spiritual health of his youth pastor. The message is that the senior pastor is probably embarassed and knows that this might reflect badly on his ability to attract and bring on "good" youth pastors. The message is not grace & forgiveness but guilt, shame and cover up.
Not surprisingly my young friend somewhat is relieved. He doesn't have to face the consequences of his sin. He can put it off for a while and enjoy the fantasy that God is ok with this arrangement and the fantasy that his wife will be ok when she ultimately finds out. What will happen when that wife hears that a senior pastor helped hide sin from her? What will happen when she figures out that the pastor cared more about a building than her family?
What I suspect is that there is coming a day when this senior pastor will quietly fire this man to avoid embarrassment and get him out of town so he can look for another youth minister. My friend will learn a hard lesson that sometimes church folk are not very wise, not very safe and not very understanding when it comes to sexual sin. My hope is that as long as he is with our ministry, he can continue to learn healing, learn honesty, and learn forgiveness something that he is not...at his local church.
So I sound angry? Perhaps. I just have little patience for what seems so obvious to me. You don't hide & cover up sin, you confess and deal with it. There is a ticking time bomb now. Can you hear it? Tick, tick, tick...some day it will explode and this senior pastor will have a bigger mess to deal with than he thought.
-Kelly
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Smart & Worthalot
Her name is Maddy. She was the last mutt in the litter, just a common blackish dog. I had picked out a nice brown & black sister of hers and we named her Muffen because she looked like a chocolate muffen that I loved. Maddy was named "maddy" for no apparently reason other than in her silent look way she seemed like a "maddy".
At one year old, Maddy got knocked up my almost every horny dog in our neighborhood before I could get her fixed and my irritation with her grew. One rainy night we heard whimpering on the front porch and I peered outside to see a wet puppy in the rain with a wide-eyed Maddy looking her it like it was some strange piece of poop that was alive or something. Nothing had come out of her before that made such strange noises and Maddy looked confused. She was a crummy mother, within a month she was done with those puppies and we had to make sure they were getting enough milk from her. I had never seen a dog be so careless with their offspring and around that time I started calling her "a dumb worthless dog".
Soon that adjective seemed to associate her name whenever I had to deal with her. When I stepped in her poop I proclaimed "Maddy, you dumb worthless dog, quit pooping in my front yard!" When Muffen disappeared one day I sadly commented "great my favorite dog disappeared and I'm stuck with this "dumb and worthless dog". It seemed every time I was irritated with Maddy I would state "dumb and worthless" along with her name.
One day Maddy actually ate our roast beef dinner, I mean she climbed up on the table and ate the meat. I must confess I lost my temper grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and the base of her tail and flung her out the front door into our yard she spun like a frizzbie and rolled across the yard no doubt scared but otherwise unhurt...with the words "dumb and worthless dog" ringing loudly across the front lawn.
Arielle, my daughter who was probably around 9 years old looked at me horrified and ran out the door to make sure the dog was OK. For the first time in my life I saw the look of disappointment on my little girl's face concerning me. Arielle gave me a tongue lashing that went on for several minutes...I didn't feel like I could yell back for I had lost my temper after all...and I didn't like that disappointed look she was giving me. Arielle ended her speech with some sort of statement "and she is not a dumb and worthless dog" and proceeded to hug Maddy as if my insulting words would be squeezed out of her black coat.
I decided after that to change the adjective associated with Maddyf from "dumb and worthless" to "smart and worth a lot" which then would eventually be proclaimed rather quickly to "smart and worthalot" to which my daughter would grin at me approvingly. As the years went by Maddy began to change. She accepted me as the "alpha male" and didn't seem so moody. One day when we were camping I had to leave a day early. My wife reported back to me that as soon as I drove off the camp site Maddy changed. If anyone she didn't know came near the camp site she would growl and bark warning my wife that a stranger was near. "Wow" I thought to myself "she really isn't dumb and worthless after all".
The change continued...she became this sweet loving dog...guarding our home when I'm not there and sticking her nose under my arm when I'm watching TV so I'll pet her. She flops over to have her belly scratched when anyone comes near her and makes those funny noises when she is sleeping and apparently dreaming of chasing squirrels. She is over ten years old now and slowly is showing some grey around her muzzle. She still anoys me especially when she has gas and chases us all from the living room. But she is a great dog. Some time between her flying out the door and a rebuke of truth from my daughter and a decision to change from "dumb worthless dog" to "smart and worthalot" my dog did change. I will not shed a few tears when she finally is done with this life, I will bawl quite a bit for I would have lost a good friend.
She went from "dumb worthless dog" to "smart andworthalot"...I wonder how many people I have labeled in such a fashion that simply need someone to change their label? Worthless addict to troubled child of God. Cheating wife to desperate woman? Smart ass jerk to a lonely man? Am I simply trying to overlook faults & sins, white washing guilt? No. Truth is not always pleasant but always useful. What I am saying is that it takes very little effort to see the wrong in people but it takes God to look deep in the eyes of a person and see what could be.
A label can start that process. A comment of worth and be the first blow against years of neglect and even abuse. I try to watch the labels that go out from my life. One of them can end up biting me or becoming a dear friend.
At one year old, Maddy got knocked up my almost every horny dog in our neighborhood before I could get her fixed and my irritation with her grew. One rainy night we heard whimpering on the front porch and I peered outside to see a wet puppy in the rain with a wide-eyed Maddy looking her it like it was some strange piece of poop that was alive or something. Nothing had come out of her before that made such strange noises and Maddy looked confused. She was a crummy mother, within a month she was done with those puppies and we had to make sure they were getting enough milk from her. I had never seen a dog be so careless with their offspring and around that time I started calling her "a dumb worthless dog".
Soon that adjective seemed to associate her name whenever I had to deal with her. When I stepped in her poop I proclaimed "Maddy, you dumb worthless dog, quit pooping in my front yard!" When Muffen disappeared one day I sadly commented "great my favorite dog disappeared and I'm stuck with this "dumb and worthless dog". It seemed every time I was irritated with Maddy I would state "dumb and worthless" along with her name.
One day Maddy actually ate our roast beef dinner, I mean she climbed up on the table and ate the meat. I must confess I lost my temper grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and the base of her tail and flung her out the front door into our yard she spun like a frizzbie and rolled across the yard no doubt scared but otherwise unhurt...with the words "dumb and worthless dog" ringing loudly across the front lawn.
Arielle, my daughter who was probably around 9 years old looked at me horrified and ran out the door to make sure the dog was OK. For the first time in my life I saw the look of disappointment on my little girl's face concerning me. Arielle gave me a tongue lashing that went on for several minutes...I didn't feel like I could yell back for I had lost my temper after all...and I didn't like that disappointed look she was giving me. Arielle ended her speech with some sort of statement "and she is not a dumb and worthless dog" and proceeded to hug Maddy as if my insulting words would be squeezed out of her black coat.
I decided after that to change the adjective associated with Maddyf from "dumb and worthless" to "smart and worth a lot" which then would eventually be proclaimed rather quickly to "smart and worthalot" to which my daughter would grin at me approvingly. As the years went by Maddy began to change. She accepted me as the "alpha male" and didn't seem so moody. One day when we were camping I had to leave a day early. My wife reported back to me that as soon as I drove off the camp site Maddy changed. If anyone she didn't know came near the camp site she would growl and bark warning my wife that a stranger was near. "Wow" I thought to myself "she really isn't dumb and worthless after all".
The change continued...she became this sweet loving dog...guarding our home when I'm not there and sticking her nose under my arm when I'm watching TV so I'll pet her. She flops over to have her belly scratched when anyone comes near her and makes those funny noises when she is sleeping and apparently dreaming of chasing squirrels. She is over ten years old now and slowly is showing some grey around her muzzle. She still anoys me especially when she has gas and chases us all from the living room. But she is a great dog. Some time between her flying out the door and a rebuke of truth from my daughter and a decision to change from "dumb worthless dog" to "smart and worthalot" my dog did change. I will not shed a few tears when she finally is done with this life, I will bawl quite a bit for I would have lost a good friend.
She went from "dumb worthless dog" to "smart andworthalot"...I wonder how many people I have labeled in such a fashion that simply need someone to change their label? Worthless addict to troubled child of God. Cheating wife to desperate woman? Smart ass jerk to a lonely man? Am I simply trying to overlook faults & sins, white washing guilt? No. Truth is not always pleasant but always useful. What I am saying is that it takes very little effort to see the wrong in people but it takes God to look deep in the eyes of a person and see what could be.
A label can start that process. A comment of worth and be the first blow against years of neglect and even abuse. I try to watch the labels that go out from my life. One of them can end up biting me or becoming a dear friend.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Humility & Acceptance
I'm working from home today and taking calls from a man who is responsible for taking a huge account from me. I was anticipating that 2009 would result in less sales for me thus less income because of the business market. What I didn't anticipate is that my best account would be taken from me apparently due to politics at our office and the desire to make sure an older gentlemen has enough work for next year. I am looking at a loss of income in the neighborhood of 50%. Yikes.
I'm working through fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. How I wish I could say that I immediately surrendered the whole deal to God and am "fine"...but I'm not. I woke up a couple of times since this new "arrangement" fearful and worried. I've confronted the parties that were responsible told them how I felt (angry and betrayed) so at least I've not kept those emotions inside so they can sizzle my peace and contentment.
I was a bit irritated at God...having those questions "OK, big Guy, I thought you had my back on this one!" I went through those stages of being disrespectful towards Him (sorry if that offends) but it reflects some of the things that King David said in the Psalms. In the Psalms David often seems to be saying "where the hell are you God?" I love his honesty.
So I feel like I've been kicked back to square one at work and I'm confronted with how am I going to proceed? Am I going to be angry, bitter, unhappy and resentful for 2009? What am I going to feel when this gentlemen in our office brings in a large sale that would have been mine? Ah, isn't life fun?
Was I wronged? Yup. Am I helpless? No. I could quit. No one is forcing me to keep working there. So what to do? How do I proceed? In times like this I look back over the lessons I learned in coming out of a 30 year addiction. Those were not fun times I assure you. But the only way to freedom from such a powerful jaws of defeat was to embrace humility and acceptance.
God has allowed this circumstance to occur. He could have stopped it but He didn't. I enjoyed this account for all of 2008 and earned more money (frankly) than I ever have in my life. I was able to set aside for my daughter's college costs as well as my son's. My wife and I got to go to Hawaii, San Francisco, and Miami this past year. So I have much to be thankful for. It was fun. We probably blew a lot of money we could have saved but when the businesss sends you to these places for free it's hard to say "no". (Laughing).
So humilty & acceptance...are my keys to walking in 2009. Accepting the circumstances not as necessarily as "God's will" but simply as "allowed by God"...the allowing of God and the will of God are often very, very different things coming from a loving Creator.
I'll write more about this later but the bottom line is that I can trust Him. I will see what He wants to do in this circumstance and if I accept and stay in humilty...I will see Him turn it around for my blessing...should be an interesting year.
-Kelly
I'm working through fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, etc. How I wish I could say that I immediately surrendered the whole deal to God and am "fine"...but I'm not. I woke up a couple of times since this new "arrangement" fearful and worried. I've confronted the parties that were responsible told them how I felt (angry and betrayed) so at least I've not kept those emotions inside so they can sizzle my peace and contentment.
I was a bit irritated at God...having those questions "OK, big Guy, I thought you had my back on this one!" I went through those stages of being disrespectful towards Him (sorry if that offends) but it reflects some of the things that King David said in the Psalms. In the Psalms David often seems to be saying "where the hell are you God?" I love his honesty.
So I feel like I've been kicked back to square one at work and I'm confronted with how am I going to proceed? Am I going to be angry, bitter, unhappy and resentful for 2009? What am I going to feel when this gentlemen in our office brings in a large sale that would have been mine? Ah, isn't life fun?
Was I wronged? Yup. Am I helpless? No. I could quit. No one is forcing me to keep working there. So what to do? How do I proceed? In times like this I look back over the lessons I learned in coming out of a 30 year addiction. Those were not fun times I assure you. But the only way to freedom from such a powerful jaws of defeat was to embrace humility and acceptance.
God has allowed this circumstance to occur. He could have stopped it but He didn't. I enjoyed this account for all of 2008 and earned more money (frankly) than I ever have in my life. I was able to set aside for my daughter's college costs as well as my son's. My wife and I got to go to Hawaii, San Francisco, and Miami this past year. So I have much to be thankful for. It was fun. We probably blew a lot of money we could have saved but when the businesss sends you to these places for free it's hard to say "no". (Laughing).
So humilty & acceptance...are my keys to walking in 2009. Accepting the circumstances not as necessarily as "God's will" but simply as "allowed by God"...the allowing of God and the will of God are often very, very different things coming from a loving Creator.
I'll write more about this later but the bottom line is that I can trust Him. I will see what He wants to do in this circumstance and if I accept and stay in humilty...I will see Him turn it around for my blessing...should be an interesting year.
-Kelly
Sunday, December 28, 2008
The Conviction of Krissy...
She is my niece. My sister's only remaining child. Many years ago my other niece (Krissy's sister) was tragically killed in a car accident. Krissy is my only niece. I hardly know her. I was so upset with my sister years ago for some decisions she made and I was hurt and felt rejected...so I avoided her. Krissy's mother seemed angry with me and with God so I simply took the easy way and avoided her. Funny how perceptions are so quickly made. I perceived anger so I avoided instead of being honest and open. Perceptions are rarely 100% correct in my life. God is constantly having to remind me to be honest. Apparently there was no anger but I hid my heart anyway instead of being honest...hard lesson.
After the accident a divorce followed and we all felt that life had really slammed my only remaining niece. Soon after high school graduation Krissy moved to California and I completely lost track of her. There was a sadness in my heart when I heard that she fled to California a sadness that I had really blown an opportunity to be an Uncle....a loving Uncle.
God had other plans. God followed Krissy to California. God encountered her in a powerful way. Krissy returned to Washington for Christmas and there is a new peace in her eyes. She loves the Lord and it pains me. It pains me because I see my own deadness in my own walk with God. Sure I realize she is young both in age and in the Lord but the love for the Lord, the passion for His kingdom, her devotion, her love for Him...wow...
Krissy and I didn't talk much, we didn't exchange gifts...but she gave me something that I desperately needed...conviction...that my walk with God can change...and should change...God reached down and touched my niece...took a broken heart and gave her hope and healing...
Tonight I lift up my 46 year old heart...and I'm asking God to change it. Just like He changed Krissy. That is my prayer.
That is my hope...
The conviction of Krissy.
After the accident a divorce followed and we all felt that life had really slammed my only remaining niece. Soon after high school graduation Krissy moved to California and I completely lost track of her. There was a sadness in my heart when I heard that she fled to California a sadness that I had really blown an opportunity to be an Uncle....a loving Uncle.
God had other plans. God followed Krissy to California. God encountered her in a powerful way. Krissy returned to Washington for Christmas and there is a new peace in her eyes. She loves the Lord and it pains me. It pains me because I see my own deadness in my own walk with God. Sure I realize she is young both in age and in the Lord but the love for the Lord, the passion for His kingdom, her devotion, her love for Him...wow...
Krissy and I didn't talk much, we didn't exchange gifts...but she gave me something that I desperately needed...conviction...that my walk with God can change...and should change...God reached down and touched my niece...took a broken heart and gave her hope and healing...
Tonight I lift up my 46 year old heart...and I'm asking God to change it. Just like He changed Krissy. That is my prayer.
That is my hope...
The conviction of Krissy.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Living in Grace 2009
I was reading a booked called 10 truths that you won't hear in church but might change your life" and the author stated: "God didn't give the 10 Commandments so we could keep them, He gave the 10 Commandments because we thought we could keep them". In other words, the commands of God were there to show us that we can't live up to them and are in desperate need of a savior.
That bugs me to some degree. I spent a lot of time, energy, and sweat trying to be a good Christian. But then the reality of my addiction hit me 9 years ago...blew my cover, destroyed my masks that I hid behind and caused me to doubt my faith. How could God still love me when I lost my ministry, nearly my marriage and my reputation...worse yet "grace" was telling me that His opinion of me hadn't changed before I was busted or after. But now in my "bustedness" I finally could understand and accept "grace". It doesn't seem fair. It seems I've gotten off easy and all my effort was not appreciated (laughing).
Grace isn't fair...Jesus' price on the cross was cruel and unfair on him. I got all the benefit and he paid all the cost. It wasn't fair...I got off easy...I could lose everything and I still would have gotten off easy. It wasn't fair
Thank God for that.
-Kelly
That bugs me to some degree. I spent a lot of time, energy, and sweat trying to be a good Christian. But then the reality of my addiction hit me 9 years ago...blew my cover, destroyed my masks that I hid behind and caused me to doubt my faith. How could God still love me when I lost my ministry, nearly my marriage and my reputation...worse yet "grace" was telling me that His opinion of me hadn't changed before I was busted or after. But now in my "bustedness" I finally could understand and accept "grace". It doesn't seem fair. It seems I've gotten off easy and all my effort was not appreciated (laughing).
Grace isn't fair...Jesus' price on the cross was cruel and unfair on him. I got all the benefit and he paid all the cost. It wasn't fair...I got off easy...I could lose everything and I still would have gotten off easy. It wasn't fair
Thank God for that.
-Kelly
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