Forgiveness a misused knife

Being a recovering sex addict there are a few words that have become very precious to me. "Surrender" is right at the top. Lord only knows how that word has opened up a world of victory for me. Another word is "grace" my most misunderstood piece of theology. Jerry Bridges' book "Transforming Grace" is among my favorite. I've taught that book to many other addicts and have never failed to see God move in their hearts as they grasp the wonderful news.



But there is one word that remains another favorite: "forgiveness" How I have longed for that word in my own marriage. I never heard that word for years and years. Even after I had painfully confessed my sin to my wife she found it very hard to say that word "forgive". Thankfully we were spared from over zealous believers who would urge my wife to forgive me without clear understanding of what that means.



For many "forgiveness" means forgetting. For hasn't God said that he will bury our sins in the sea of his forgetfulness? Yet forgetting what has been done to us is not something that most women can pull off. They can't make their minds forget what has been done. I would argue that it might be dangerous to forget pain that has been inflicted or she will allow it to happen again.



But many believers will rush to tell the wife to forgive and one of the reasons is that a confession of sin by a husband is painful for everyone...the family...the church and embarrasses people as well. What pastor loves to learn that his worship leader is addicted to porn? Or one of his elders had an affair? I wrote of one pastor who is hiding the sin of his youth pastor and I suspect that if he exposed it...it would reflect badly on his ability to choose good men to work in the church.



So it seems everyone wants the wife to quickly "forgive & forget" and the wife feels often that her pain is overlooked, generalized or even minimized which breeds a rage that bubbles beneath her tired body. Ah but that isn't a blessing for many might tell her that anger is wrong so she silently eats those emotions until an unsuspecting husband stumbles into it and once alone she releases her rage & bile on him. It doesn't make a good afternoon discussion.



Forgiveness is simply the act of giving up trying to take revenge, to punish & bring ill towards that person. Forgiveness is not a call to trust. Forgiveness is commanded of Christians but blind trust is not. Jesus forgave everyone but even he did not entrust himself blindly to them (See John 2:4). Neither should a wife of a sex addict.

Longing for a legacy

Something happens to men. We may start early or we may stagger through life until we realize that time is slipping away. We start to look around to see if what we trade time for is or was worth it. If we look at our job often times if not always it comes up short. I think I became a pastor because I thought when I had these thoughts I could point to my role as a minister and I would be satisfied that I "counted" and I was significant. What a sick reason for wanting to be a leader.

But tonight while watching a movie with my 14 year old son I had those thoughts again. My daughter is nearly 18 and I will actively remind myself that she is an adult and my role with her must dramatically change. I was tempted to look to my kids as my legacy. Have I love them enough and will they remember me as a good father? But really that is just another act of self interest. I will not use my kids to ramp up a historical issue with insecurity.

What is my legacy? What am I going to leave behind? Funny thing is that I can't hold on to anything and I will leave everything behind. The only thing I can give away of value is Jesus and the love that He has shown me. What is more important? That my name is remembered fondly or if my kids follow His heart? My longing for a legacy is nothing more than the emotional response to insecurity...if my kids follow Jesus that is enough.